Dear Lewis, So, you don’t like the website. That’s fine. I wasn’t doing this to make you happy. But did you have to pull out the big guns? It started a few weeks ago. First, there was a small tapping sound. Then there was an ominous sawing sound at 3 a.m. You know I want to watch that Japanese movie “Ringu,” but the sawing turned to clawing and then scampering. I can’t watch anything scary when I’ve got my own real life creatures in the attic. You don’t believe I’m a good Southern girl, do you? I am not afraid of a few squirrels. I am a modern Southern girl. I’m not afraid to call companies with “critter” or “vermin” in the name. I was so tired of running into the back yard cursing and shaking my fist at the trees. I thank God for the shade they provide, but to they have to house squirrels? Damn, damn those squirrels. I would like you to know that I am weathering the storm quite well. Traps were laid on Friday morning and by evening another terrifying sound could be heard. Gnawing on a metal. Eeew. There is a reason why I never watched the movie “Saw.” Trapped animals equal bad scary things happening in my house. I’m sure in your day you would have shot or poisoned the poor rodents. We are much more sophisticated than that. My critters will be disposed of five miles from my home to life peacefully in someone else’s neighborhood. This begs a few questions: -Who lives five miles away from me, who gets my squirrels dumped their neighborhood? -How long will it take for the squirrels to get dumped back on me? -Why must the trapper’s van be marked so boldly about the trade of critter catching? I have neighbors, you know, and it’s like announcing that you have “the clap.” -What do you think my reaction was on Saturday when the catcher removed not a squirrel, but a roof rat? A RAT! Lewis, can you hear me screaming? Don't I have enough to deal with? Please ask God to send my apologies the squirrels, but warn them not to get any ideas or consider my apology as an invitation. The rats are now on my hit list. Don’t spare the rod. Thank you, Albert Camus. Thank you, the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Thank you, Lewis. You dirty rats, Nicki |
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Critters, Vermin, and Other scary thingsposted Feb 16, 2009 7:32 AM by Nicki Salcedo [ updated Feb 16, 2009 7:59 AM ] |