posted on Monday, June 05, 2006 2:48 AM
by
Nicki
My Open Letter to Everyone
In case you haven’t noticed, I have some cool friends. They keep me up to date on everything that’s hot from K-Fed to Leif Garrett. They are also psychotic and constantly writing open letters to celebrities who won’t read their rantings. So like them, I will know try to communicate with otherworldy beings.
Dear Matthew McConaughey: Please stop stalking me. I hear you are in Atlanta. Again. Did you split up with your girlfriend because of me? No, don’t answer. Just take off your shirt. You are so dirty. You would do the shocker, won’t you? No, don’t answer that either.
Dear Matthew Fox: I know there have been two seasons of “Lost,” but I can’t stop calling you Charlie. We are not confusing you with Dominic Monaghan. He’s still being called the “hobbit.” If you see me in Atlanta and I call you Charlie, don’t blank me like you’ve forgotten about Julia, Bailey, Owen, and the one with the squeaky voice, okay?
Dear Atlanta: Can you believe you have two hot Matthews in residence right now? I’m so happy I don’t even care what the heck is going to happen on “Lost.”
Dear Lost: Why don’t the “Others” care about the button? Oh, wait forget it. 2 Matthews + 1 Atlanta = Nicki happiness.
Dear Deadwood: Thank you for being my “Lost” when I have no “Lost.”
Dear Keenan Ivory Waynans: There is a reason why I don’t watch TV. I just saw my first (and my last) episode of your show “My Wife and Kids.” Give me back 22 minutes of my life and the $1.87 in electricity, air, and water you stole from me. “In Living Color” was a genius-uplifting show. I miss the Fly Girls. In the episode, your tv wife starts a restaurant, followed by bad clichés about Black people eating soul food and the crazy Asians trying to put them out of business. The offensive portrayal of all ethnic groups should be reported to the ACLU. The acting hurt my eyes. I have written the True Hollywood Story about the bad child actors on your show. The “Others” will not take them, they are BAD.
Dear Jane Fonda: Do you know the two Matthews? You do know everyone in Atlanta. Please introduce me while they are in town. Especially the one without his shirt on.
Dear Britney: He’s sperm IS radioactive.
Dear Kate: Just tell him Katie came back and you have to go with her.
Dear Angelina: You are the female Matthew McConaughey, except he never wore a vial of Billy Bob’s blood around his neck, now did he? Oh, he did. Ooops. Then you are the same.
Dear Friends: A poll: K-Fed vs. Leif Garrett? Would would win? If you have to ask who K-Fed and Leif Garrett are, then you are either too old or too young. Or too smart.