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What you need to know when you come to Atlanta: Secrets, tips, and how to say "Ponce de Leon"

How do you say Atlanta? Atlanna. That’s right the last "t" is silent. You know how Jamaican’s don’t sweat? Well, Atlantans don’t pronounce the last “t.”

Speaking of pronunciation. Ponce de Leon. After Peachtree (see below), Ponce de Leon is the most important street to know when you come to Atlanta. Don’t pronounce Leon "Lay-un" the way a Spaniard would. Say "Lee-on" like your daddy’s barber. Better yet, don’t say Ponce de Leon at all. Real Atlantans, just call it Ponce.

Peachtree. Forget all the books that say Atlanta has a gazillion streets name Peachtree. Like Neo in the Matrix, there is only one. In downtown, it is Peachtree Street, but a few miles up near Buckhead it’s Peachtree Road. Like Ponce, just call this street Peachtree. The so called other “Peachtree Streets” are named “Peachtree Battle,” “Peachtree Corner Circle.” You wouldn’t confuse these with good old Peachtree now, would you?

Downtown. Peachtree Street from Five Points to Ponce. Center of Atlanta.

Midtown. Business district north of Downtown. Like Buckhead only more chic.

Buckhead. Beverly Hills of Atlanta. North of Midtown. Also bars, club, restaurants, and shopping.

ITP. Inside the perimeter. Technically, inside highway I-285 which circles Atlanta. Philosophically, this is New York South or San Francisco East or Miami North.

OTP. Outside the Perimeter. Where evolution, dinosaurs, and gays don’t exist. Also, known as far, far away. Don't knock it, though. You can get a very big house out there. On a golf course, even.

75, 85, 285, 400, 20, and 78. These aren’t the numbers from Lost. These are the highways that get you either ITP or OTP. 285 will just get you ATP (around the perimeter).

Perimeter. You would think this means around Atlanta, but it specifically refers to 285 at 400 (this is the due north part of the Perimeter). Near Perimeter Mall, businesses, and Northside Hospital.

Grady Hospital. If you’ve been shot, burned, severely injured in a car accident, you will (and will want to) go to Grady Hospital. This is one of the best trauma hospitals in the south. They will save your sorry behind and fix up like normal. If you die at Grady, you were really meant to die.

Other hospitals. If you feel sick like a stomach flu, fever headache, or broken leg DO NOT GO TO GRADY HOSPITAL UNLESS YOU ARE DYING. You will be sitting next to a crackhead who just got shot and burned and run over by a car. You’re sorry behind will sit there til next week. Take minor your illness to Crawford Long or Piedmont Hospitals. They might even give you a lollipop and a sticker for your time.

MARTA. Public Transportation. In the old racist days of Atlanta, people used to joke that MARTA stood for Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta. Those bad mean racist people are all dead now and would be happy know that MARTA now accepts Africans, African-Americans, Latinos, Asians, and white people. Still rapidly, too. Be cautious in Atlanta as you would in any big city taking the public transportation. I love Marta, not only is it smarta, but it is the easiest way to get to and from the airport and other central locations in the city.

Smile. If not smile, make eye contact. This is the south, so pretend to be courteous while you’re here.

Don’t judge. So, a guy you pass on Peachtree has gold teeth, dread locks, and smells like weed. This doesn’t make him a drug dealer. No matter what you heard about that movie ATL. He might be a 1) entertainment professional 2) athlete or 3) a local politician. Pay him some respect. He might be able to buy and sell your podunk state.

Oh, this goes for rednecks and country boys, too. Don’t just assume that the nice Southern boys that you meet are dumb or racist just because they talk with a twang. Gretchen Wilson, I’m not a redneck girl, but “Hell, yeah” anyway.

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